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I get reflective at this time of year. And recently, I’ve been reviewing my important life lessons with an eye to how these lessons have influenced my values and choices to date. Generally, I liked the results — I saw growth in deciding how and with whom to invest my time as well as in knowing myself better and making more solid choices. A good year, I thought.
Then, I recalled that strength overused (no matter how glorious), stops being an asset and becomes, sigh… a weakness. So I mentally re-ran those challenges that I hadn’t tied up so neatly (unresolved conflicts, questionable decisions, etc) That’s when I found that a couple of my well loved ‘strengths’ were close to becoming weaknesses.
Example #1:
Perceived Strength: “Life’s too short for beating around the bush — I’m direct and say what needs to be said.”
Challenge: The directness is hard for those who don’t’ know you well enough to understand. Frequently, your directness results in others lashing out or clamming up entirely.
The opportunity? Stop and pay attention to when your directness works and when it seems to break trust with others.
The result? If examined, could produce breakthrough growth, improved decision-making and better relationships. But an unhealthy work-around might sound like this: “I’m direct and people who can’t handle it are not my kind of people.”
In my case, I’d gotten busy. Tough things happened (the kind that take time, patience and energy to resolve), and I’d stopped challenging myself on things I felt certain about. Next, I began to describe the problem as a personal strength! That difficult relationship? Presto! No longer troubling and no need to learn from it. It’s their problem.
I had to admit I was getting good at creating not-so-healthy work-arounds.
What’s a work-around?
I define a work-around as a unique collection of actions (and inaction) we use in order to avoid an encounter with a known and difficult issue. The older we get, the better we get at creating work-arounds and calling them ‘preferences’ or ‘style differences’. Bottom line: we tend to make up stories that explain our world. Sometimes we forget it was only a story in the first place ... and we’re living it as truth.
Example #2:
Early in her career, Melissa became tongue-tied when presenting to top leaders. Once, an executive grew impatient during her presentation and said so publicly. Melissa was humiliated. Rather than work to improve her executive presentation skills, she internalized the exec’s response as a statement about her worth. Gradually, she made career choices that would keep her out of the view of top leaders. Although she did this subconsciously, the result was a massive ‘work-around’ which ultimately prevented Melissa from developing the skills and confidence that would ensure her thoughts and opinions were heard by people who could make change happen.
Work-arounds can be expensive — robbing a team, a community, the world of an invaluable perspective. And work-arounds can be deceptive — especially to the creator. What if over time, Melissa successfully avoids the presentation limelight and sticks to comfortable areas where she’s unnoticed? For Melissa, over time, the avoidance can start to feel like her preference, not avoidance. She comes to see it, possibly, as “leadership just isn’t my calling”.
Once a work-around lays down roots, it can seem as if you’re practicing a healthy boundary, exercising a preference — not avoiding anything or giving up too soon. For Melissa, the decision to pursue non-leadership avenues could be her choice to simply contribute differently. If it’s her choice, I’ll be first in line to defend her right to make it. But if this is a work-around, put in place to keep hurt and embarrassment at bay, and then a good friend would sit Melissa down and help her see it. Future life choices will probably be influenced by this one. One work-around paves the way (and lowers the bar) for more of the same.
So be your own best friend right now. Consider these types of work-arounds:
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